Exactly 25 years ago today my father passed away. I remember the morning well. The night before, I had 3 of my girlfriends spend the night to celebrate my 16th birthday (we didn't have school the next day). We slept in our family room and something woke me up that morning around 5am. I realized it was cold and was going to put more wood in our woodburning stove and I heard my mother upstairs run from her bedroom into the kitchen to use the phone and all I could hear her say was "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" I started to go up the stairs and she met me half-way down the stairs and she said "I can't wake Daddy up". It took a second for me to register and she sat down on the stairs and put her face in her hands and kept saying "Oh no, Oh no, Oh no!" I hugged her and went passed her and into their bedroom. You could tell by looking at my father that he was gone. I walked over to him, felt his face (which was fairly cold) and then kissed him and walked out of the room. At this point my mother was coming back up the stairs and I said "yes, he's gone" and my mother let out a small wail and then quickly composed. She told me to go wake Dustin, Travis and Cammie up. As I started to walk downstairs my grandparents who lived next door came in through the kitchen door and I could hear the sirens of the paramedics coming. I went downstairs and woke my brothers up. I remember Dustin bolting from his bed and running upstairs and Travis quickly following. I woke Cammie up and then I went to wake my friends up who were sleeping in my family room. I just sat on the floor and said "my father passed away early this morning" and then started crying. I think I literally cried for 5 seconds and then somehow got it together and went back upstairs. I realize now that I left my friends in shock. What a way to wake up!
My mother and brothers were waking my two younger sisters Mandy and Dori up. (Mandy was 10 and Dori was 8) Mandy was particularly close to my father and I remember her yelling "NO!" and completely falling apart. It was a hard scene to watch.
By this time, people from church started filing in. It seemed that our entire ward showed up within the next hour. One of the most traumatic events for me that morning was when my grandmother (my father's mother) got to our house. I was at the front door to meet her. She was clearly distraught and as she came in the door, I tried to give her a hug. She very forcefully pushed me out of the way and screamed "where's my baby?" and ran up our stairs to go into my parents bedroom. I was stunned and I didn't quite know how to react. This was my first insight into what it must feel like to lose a child.
The rest of the day was filled with people. Family, friends, neighbors, co-workers.....just a lot of people until my childhood friend came over with her sisters. I had known Eileen since I was 4 and my father loved her like one of his own girls. She walked into my basement door and I FINALLY fell apart....partly because of how much I knew my father loved her but mostly because I knew she truly felt my pain and loss. I could see it in her eyes and feel it in her hug. My father had been a great influence in her life and that was something we would always share.
That night my entire family slept in my family room. Everyone except me. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and be by myself. I wanted to think about what had happened, what was going to happen, and be alone so I could feel my father's presence. I knew he was there. I knew he was going to still be a presence in my life for as long as I lived.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my father. He was an example to me in so many ways. I often think about what life would be like if he were still here. The advice and counsel he would give me and the talks we would have. I think about how much he would love to be with his grandchildren and how happy he would be around them. I think about everything my family has been through over the years and what he would have done.......and then I realize, he has been here. All along. He knows what we are doing and infact, has helped us through traumatic times. I know he looks down upon his grandchildren and is proud of what they are becoming and laughs at all of the craziness. I am sure he has a part in some of the craziness. There are often times I look at my neices and nephews and feel how much my father loves them.
I am lucky and blessed to feel my father's presence often. I can't wait to one day be re-united with him and know that he has been here with me, watching over me, whispering in my ear, and continuing to be my father even though he is not physically here. I am so blessed to know that I will see him again. Until then, I will continue to do the best that I can in this life, knowing that he and A LOT of other family members are up there watching over us, laughing (probably a lot), and much more involved in our lives than we can even imagine.
I love you Dad.
