My Mother

I am working on a lesson to teach to the Young Women in church on Sunday. It is about honoring parents and supporting family members. I dedicate this post to my mother.

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

I have been truly blessed to have the mother that I have. It is not by fate that I am her daughter~ God designed this; so that we could go through this life together, learning and sharing in each other's happiness and sorrow.

I have mentioned in previous posts, that as a child I loved to be with my mother and my friends even loved to be around my mother. Some of the greatest memories that I have with my mother was time spent running errands with her. It was fun and I always enjoyed our conversations.

My mother taught me that I could do and be anything that I wanted and I believed her. She showed confidence in me and in my ability to make decisions and if I made a wrong decision she was ALWAYS there to help pick up the pieces and begin again. I remember one time in particular I was living in Utah.......I had an extremely painful break-up. She knew I was barely functioning and she flew me home for a couple weeks to help me regroup. I cried almost the entire time on the plane ride home (4 1/2 hours) and as soon as she met me at the gate; I broke down again. I don't think I said anything for the next hour. My step-father was driving us home and she got into the back seat with me and put her arms around me and let me SOB on her shoulder all the way home while she kept telling me I would get through this and giving me words of encouragement. At home, with her, I was able to be strengthened, fortified and to be reminded of the capacity that I had within me to move forward.

My mother taught me about strength and self-determination by watching her example. My father passed away when I was 16 and she was left alone at age 40 with 6 children ranging in ages from 8-18. After the day of the funeral, I never saw my mother cry about my father. Even though I never saw her, I knew that she did and years later I asked her why I never saw her cry. She said it was because she didn't want us (the children) to have the added burden (with all that we were dealing with) of a sad mother and that she wanted to "keep it together" for us. She was the epitome of courage and of forging forward.

She is an exemplar in teaching me to love Christ. She taught me to pray always and to thank my Heavenly Father for every blessing that I have. She taught me to recognize that I am not perfect but that I can be forgiven and to keep trying to do my best. She taught me that trials are lessons and to learn from them. She taught me to be strong in my faith and that faith always precedes a miracle. She taught me the value of paying an honest tithe and I have often marveled at the blessings that come from paying tithing. Through her example and counsel, I have learned to depend on my personal relationship with God to carry me through this life.

I could go on and on about all of the things I have learned (and continue to learn) from my mother. She is an extraordinary woman. I think the three words that best describe my mother are FAITHFUL, DETERMINED, and ENDURING. She has buried two husbands, raised 6 children, served a mission for our church, sacrificed for our family and continues to be the formidable matriarch of our family. She is a very involved grandmother and my nieces and nephews are blessed to know her as their "Granny". She is still the person I cry to with heartaches, with trials, and with sorrows. She is also the person I still go to with accomplishments, to share happy experiences, and to talk about spiritual things.

My mother is an amazing woman. She rarely gets accolades for the things she does and I know we don't express enough how much she is admired and loved. She is my mother by design.....this I know without a shadow of doubt.

Thoroughly Disgusted

I own a cleaning and concierge business and every now and then I have to step in and clean when an employee is out. Today was a traumatizing day.

We went to a two bedroom apartment to do a move-out clean. Well actually, the tenants were sub-leasing and the new tenants are going to move in tomorrow. I walk into the apartment and immediately wondered if I was cleaning up after some HUGE hamsters because there was shredded paper EVERYWHERE.....all over the floor in every room. Seriously, like they put it down to sleep on it or something.

I started in the kitchen - it took TWO HOURS!!!! All of the cabinets and cupboards were empty; well, except for the hair, stuck-on food, something that looked like the orange sand you see in sandboxes and sesame seeds.......IN EVERY SINGLE CABINET AND CUPBOARD - and in one cabinet I got to clean what looked like an entire spilled bottle of honey mixed with sesame seeds. I mean, who eats that many sesame seeds? Was the Hamburglar hiding somewhere? Plus, they use a lot of Turmeric.....and so there were yellow stains everywhere. It's like she opened up every container of food or spice she owned and just dumped it into her cabinets and drawers.

The stove was covered in a couple of layers of cooked oil, burnt rice and hair. That was fun. She looked at my face (I do not have a poker face and I am SURE I looked disgusted) and she said "how often should I clean my stove? Once a month?" REALLY LADY????? I said "if you cook every day, then you should wipe it down every day".....she looked at me so surprised and like I was crazy. Clearly....I'm the crazy one.

The best/worst part of the kitchen was the fridge. It too was empty, except for what looked like grass, gardening dirt, some red sticky stuff, of-course sesame seeds and...wait for it.....wait for it.....2 DEAD FLIES! I looked at the lady and said "you do realize flies have been in hibernation since the middle of October....right?" WHO HAS DEAD FLIES IN THEIR REFRIGERATOR?????? And then I thought maybe they eat them. I mean, why else would they be in her fridge?

I found out that they have lived in this apartment for 3 years; the couple, their two small kids and her parents. I realized that they have NEVER cleaned any part of the apartment and I came to the conclusion that they must have lived in the desert before this because there was sand everywhere. She also asked me what should she do when her kitchen sink overflows. She said it overflows every time she does dishes. I told her to turn off the water once the sink was full. Again, she looked surprised.

So then I moved into the bathroom - please stop reading if you have a weak stomach because this is going to get graphic. I walked into the master bathroom and let out a small shriek. The tub looked like it had not been cleaned EVER and like they take mud baths and never drain it. I am not even exaggerating. HAIR everywhere, red dots stuck on the door frames and again with the honey and sesame concoction...... ALL OVER THE WALLS. I didn't even want to imagine how the (blank) that got there. The toilet was covered in dried urine. I triple gloved my hands and put a mask on. Urine was all over the floor and the wall behind the toilet too. Like......can't this man see where he's going?????? He just aimed in the general direction I guess. And maybe she stood up when she peed - I mean I wouldn't put anything past this group of people.

BUT.....it gets better! My poor, poor employee who had to clean the other bathroom (I guess the parents and kids used this bathroom) looked like someone had explosive diarrhea - many times. It was down the outside of the toilet, on the side of the tub, on the walls and the vanity. I almost threw up and actually gagged a couple of times. It had been there a while...make no mistake about that. The tub had a black ring around it as thick as tar. It was unbelievable and I couldn't believe that people actually lived like this...with CHILDREN! How did they bathe them? Did they stand and hold them? Maybe they just rubbed some dirt or sand on them and called it a day.

The rest of the home was filled with shredded paper, sand and colored paperclips......everywhere. When I take a deep breath I can still smell and taste the cleaning supplies we used today. I would've rather set the place on fire - but sand doesn't catch on fire. She asked me if we would come and clean her new town home. HAHAHAHAHA.......yah, maybe if I invest in some Hazmat suits and gas masks. I'm pretty traumatized by the whole thing and just can't believe people live in such filth. Don't call us, we'll call you!

What do you know?

When I was a young girl, I came to know 4 things about myself that were true:

• I am dearly beloved of my family
• I understood “grown-up” things on a level way too mature for my age
• I was born with a self-determination and strength that I could call upon
• I could feel (to a very large extent) the pain and suffering of others

Realizing this at a fairly young age has largely shaped who I am today. I can look back on the many times in my life that knowing these truths has helped me in one way or another.

I remember when I was about 10 years old; overhearing a conversation my father was having with his mother about me. He was telling her about a couple of things I had done to help around the house and some things I had done for my younger brother and sisters and what a special little girl I was. He then said something I will never forget. He said in a tearful voice, “She is my beloved Kara, my beautiful girl, and I know why she was sent to me.” The word “beloved” has always stayed with me. I knew that this was a unique term of endearment. When you know you are loved so dearly, you can make it through anything that comes your way.

Growing up, I was my mother’s shadow. I loved being around her and I loved that my friends loved being around her. She was my mother but she was also fun to be with and I could tell her anything. Many times I would choose to run errands with my mother rather than be with friends. I truly enjoyed her company and I loved the talks we had. Children learn at the feet of their parents. It was with her that I realized that I understood “grown-up” things. Right after my father passed away, I was able to step in and almost co-parent with my mother because I had been with my mother so much and really did understand exactly what was going on. There were many times my mother would come to me for advice and we actually talked things through and made decisions for the family together. It didn’t seem odd to me, it seemed natural.

Now, this is kind of gross, but it’s the very first time I realized that I had self-determination. I was born with extremely dry skin and for some reason at night my legs would itch so bad that I would scratch them until they bled. We tried baths, creams, and steroids….everything. Nothing seemed to work. I was five years old and I wanted so badly not to scratch my legs anymore – they were covered in scabs (told you it was gross) and would bleed and I HATED it. One night I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to scratch my legs anymore. I said a prayer and I lay on my hands and cried ALL night because the itching was unbearable but I was determined not to scratch. The next night was the same scenario. I prayed and I lay on my hands and cried but would not scratch my legs. Every night I felt a little stronger and that I was going to break this habit and for a little five year old mind, this was remarkable. At the end of the week, my legs were almost completely healed and the itching was ALMOST gone. I realized that if I prayed and was determined to do something, I could.

I have always known that my heart is tender, especially when dealing with children or old folks. Sometimes it is very annoying because I tear up easily. The earliest memory of really feeling someone else’s pain was when I was 13. I was volunteering at a Special Olympics at the gymnastics section. I absolutely loved it. These kids were so amazing and so thrilled to be there and it was a humbling experience for me. There was a little girl – around 10 years old whose balance beam routine consisted of walking across the beam and jumping off at the end. She fell off the beam probably 8 times as she was trying to finish her walk down the beam. (The beam was not far off of the ground). Every time she would fall we would cheer her back onto the beam until she finally completed her routine and was grinning from ear to ear. I turned around just in time to see her run into her father’s arms for her congratulations. He completely broke down and I knew that he was proud of her but I also felt the pain he was feeling and I understood. I have been able to not only sympathize but also empathize with people who are in pain. I am grateful that I am able to do so because it has enabled me to help people in a way I wouldn’t be able to if I couldn’t experience for myself what they are feeling.

All of these things I learned about myself at a fairly young age. All of these things have helped me throughout my life in the various roles that I play as a Daughter, Sister and Friend. These are just my first memories of attaining this knowledge about me; I have been able to grow and expand these truths and have experienced amazing things.

I have also learned an even greater and deeper truth. That is, that everyone is given gifts that they can recognize and then cultivate so that they can help serve others. Figure out what your gifts are. You have them. I have been able to love others as I am loved. I have been able to go into dire situations and show maturity in order to handle things for people that they were not able to handle at that time. I have been able to call upon my self-determination and strength in order to show some that anything is possible and lastly, I have been able to comfort the sick or grieving because I am able to feel what they feel.

Everyone has gifts that can be used to help others. I challenge YOU to figure out what gifts you have and then go forth and serve.

"Are you Happy?"

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."

Last night a friend asked me "Are you happy?" and I answered "Yes, I have a great family, amazing friends, I own a business and I love my life".

I have been thinking about that question all day and why I was able to answer that question the way I did. I have come to the conclusion, that it is because I am surrounded by wonderful people who help me to be happy, to stay grounded and to always keep the big picture in mind.

Only those closest to me know what the past few years have truly been like for me. The many trials that caused tears too many to number. My army of friends surrounded me, picked me up and fought beside me to make sure I arrived at the place I am now.......Happiness.

I can't tell you exactly when I arrived, or even the exact route that I took , I just know I am here. There is a peacefulness that resides in my heart, a sense of joy and excitement, and a content feeling that I have never felt before.

I am not so naive to think that trials will not come my way again....they surely will. I will summon my army of friends and we will once again battle our way back to happiness....together. We are tried and true warriors. Sometimes we are the ones calling for help and sometimes we are the ones running to the aid of the one calling.

I am happy. I have a wonderful life. Not everything is "perfect", nor will it ever be while on this earth but it is a wonderful feeling to know for sure I am never alone in my trials. God has always blessed me with amazing people in my life to make things bearable, to strengthen and uplift, and to love me with an unconditional love. I am happy.

As the year draws to a close.......

Well, tomorrow is December 1, 2011. I can't believe we have one more month before we ring in 2012. WOW....2012. I remember as a kid, the 2000's seemed so futuristic. Weren't we supposed to have flying car's like the Jetson's by now?

As I look back over this year, a distinct theme seems to be prominent in my thoughts. It is FAMILY.

I have two brothers, 3 sisters, 4 nieces, 7 nephews and a wonderful mother who is the Matriarch of us all. She is on a mission for our church in Salt Lake City, UT and will return home to us at the end of January....just two short months away. Familes are blessed when they have a missionary in the "field" and our family has certainly been blessed this year.

Along with my biological family, I also have three best friends who I consider sisters. One is a friend I have known since I was 4. I don't see her often enough but I know she is family no matter what and she will always reside in my heart. Another is a friend I have had since I was 14 and she has been present at every major milestone of my life. She, as well, secures a special place in my heart. The last is a woman who was a co-worker at my last job but has truly become a sister to me. She is an example to me of selfless service that she constantly bestows upon her family. She also owns a piece of my heart. These women know me as well as my own sisters and I am so grateful that I have been surrounded my whole life with such amazing women who love me and help me to be a better person .

I also have a church family. People who are concerned with my welfare and truly want what is best for me spiritually and temporally. My church family is huge and spans literally across the world. This family takes care of me, in so many ways. This year in particular, I have been very blessed with people in my church and in particular a wonderful Bishop who is inspired by God to counsel and help guide me in my every day life.

I cherish my family. I cherish all of my "families". They come to my rescue, lift me up, take care of me and remind me who I really am. This year has been all about FAMILY and it is my goal to next year serve my "family" as well as they have served me this year.

My Father- Michael G. Tull aka "Mickey"

Exactly 25 years ago today my father passed away. I remember the morning well. The night before, I had 3 of my girlfriends spend the night to celebrate my 16th birthday (we didn't have school the next day). We slept in our family room and something woke me up that morning around 5am. I realized it was cold and was going to put more wood in our woodburning stove and I heard my mother upstairs run from her bedroom into the kitchen to use the phone and all I could hear her say was "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" I started to go up the stairs and she met me half-way down the stairs and she said "I can't wake Daddy up". It took a second for me to register and she sat down on the stairs and put her face in her hands and kept saying "Oh no, Oh no, Oh no!" I hugged her and went passed her and into their bedroom. You could tell by looking at my father that he was gone. I walked over to him, felt his face (which was fairly cold) and then kissed him and walked out of the room. At this point my mother was coming back up the stairs and I said "yes, he's gone" and my mother let out a small wail and then quickly composed. She told me to go wake Dustin, Travis and Cammie up. As I started to walk downstairs my grandparents who lived next door came in through the kitchen door and I could hear the sirens of the paramedics coming.

I went downstairs and woke my brothers up. I remember Dustin bolting from his bed and running upstairs and Travis quickly following. I woke Cammie up and then I went to wake my friends up who were sleeping in my family room. I just sat on the floor and said "my father passed away early this morning" and then started crying. I think I literally cried for 5 seconds and then somehow got it together and went back upstairs. I realize now that I left my friends in shock. What a way to wake up!

My mother and brothers were waking my two younger sisters Mandy and Dori up. (Mandy was 10 and Dori was 8) Mandy was particularly close to my father and I remember her yelling "NO!" and completely falling apart. It was a hard scene to watch.

By this time, people from church started filing in. It seemed that our entire ward showed up within the next hour. One of the most traumatic events for me that morning was when my grandmother (my father's mother) got to our house. I was at the front door to meet her. She was clearly distraught and as she came in the door, I tried to give her a hug. She very forcefully pushed me out of the way and screamed "where's my baby?" and ran up our stairs to go into my parents bedroom. I was stunned and I didn't quite know how to react. This was my first insight into what it must feel like to lose a child.

The rest of the day was filled with people. Family, friends, neighbors, co-workers.....just a lot of people until my childhood friend came over with her sisters. I had known Eileen since I was 4 and my father loved her like one of his own girls. She walked into my basement door and I FINALLY fell apart....partly because of how much I knew my father loved her but mostly because I knew she truly felt my pain and loss. I could see it in her eyes and feel it in her hug. My father had been a great influence in her life and that was something we would always share.

That night my entire family slept in my family room. Everyone except me. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and be by myself. I wanted to think about what had happened, what was going to happen, and be alone so I could feel my father's presence. I knew he was there. I knew he was going to still be a presence in my life for as long as I lived.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my father. He was an example to me in so many ways. I often think about what life would be like if he were still here. The advice and counsel he would give me and the talks we would have. I think about how much he would love to be with his grandchildren and how happy he would be around them. I think about everything my family has been through over the years and what he would have done.......and then I realize, he has been here. All along. He knows what we are doing and infact, has helped us through traumatic times. I know he looks down upon his grandchildren and is proud of what they are becoming and laughs at all of the craziness. I am sure he has a part in some of the craziness. There are often times I look at my neices and nephews and feel how much my father loves them.

I am lucky and blessed to feel my father's presence often. I can't wait to one day be re-united with him and know that he has been here with me, watching over me, whispering in my ear, and continuing to be my father even though he is not physically here. I am so blessed to know that I will see him again. Until then, I will continue to do the best that I can in this life, knowing that he and A LOT of other family members are up there watching over us, laughing (probably a lot), and much more involved in our lives than we can even imagine.

I love you Dad.

My Sisters

You may call her "Cameron" however, I call her Cammie. She is 3 years and 5 months younger than me. We grew up sharing a bedroom together and so I know who Cammie really is..... and I remember. She has a soft compassionate heart, a resound, clever and definitive mind, an entertaining and very witty sense of humor and talents beyond even her comprehension. Cammie is brilliant. She is strong-willed and adventurous. Cammie is always up for a fun time......always. Cammie is someone you want to take on vacation with you so you are sure to have a fun time. I love being with Cammie because she truly makes me happier.



You may all call her "Amanda" however, I call her Mandy. She is 5 years and 8 months younger than me but in a lot of ways wiser.....she is what I call an "old soul". She has words of wisdom far beyond her years. If ever I am in real need for advice or to bounce a very serious idea off of someone, I call Mandy. She can calm me when I over-react and make me see the silliness in my actions. I love what Mandy "sees" or interprets and I appreciate her view and love how she gets her point across. We laugh a lot at the silliness of others views and reactions too. Mandy is benevolent. She sees things for what they are and judges fairly. Mandy is beautiful and delightful. I love spending time with Mandy because she makes me laugh and reminds me of who I am.


You may call her "Dori" and so do I :-) She is 7 years and 6 months younger than me. The meaning of the name Dori is "a gift; beloved; adored; gift; gift of God". That is exactly what she is. She is a gift to our family. The last of six children, Dori was not to be left behind and she made sure of it. Dori is devoted. She is the most altruistic person I know. She literally picks you up off the ground and carries you when you cannot will yourself to move. Dori gets things done. She is the best example of a mother, sister and friend anyone could ever have. I love spending time with Dori because she is my "North Star".....I am home when I am with her.

All of my sisters are different but we were planted in the same soil. Together we make an extraordinary garden.